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art of autonomy
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[05 Mar 2004|10:56pm]
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[22 Dec 2003|02:57pm]
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[20 Dec 2003|07:32pm]
the thing taking up most of my thoughts right now are my school results. i get them in the mail on monday, i could have gotten them on the internet today but no, i had to go and lose my password. the whole universe is awaiting this but me. do you not understand how much i hate results of any fucking kind, especially final ones.

5 [five] days till santa comes. i hope he's stingy with everyone else, so he has enough money to buy me a good camera. mum, if you're reading this you nosey woman, you know what to get me. god, as if she'd read this shit!! she is a housewife i guess, god knows what goes on when nobody else is around. joke, mum.

i decided today that im making a book. im going to write down anything i see that interests me, makes me happy or is remotely inspiring. things that are nice to look at. i already have started gathering material, i hope to get more when i go on my trip. this is not going to be another abandoned project. as was the twelve ultimate mixtapes/mixdiscs as christmas presents, and the knitting thing. hmm. saturday nights are fabulous times for inventing new and exciting things. I AM SO BORED
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[19 Dec 2003|06:10pm]
london on the eighth
paris on the twenty second
rome- the twenty third
dont take your hands off my eyes
foot in front of foot on the edge of somewhere
i promise i'll breathe if you take it all in
for me.

i hope i wont want to go home
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[16 Dec 2003|11:39pm]
$267.52 oh yeah
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[14 Dec 2003|08:12pm]
i made a new friend today. i work with her and her name's holly. we're going to go shopping tomorrow, if i ever get out of bed.

i worked for eight hours straight today. no breaks. but there were four good looking guys wandering around all day so that was some consolation.

hopefully this week i will be rolling in money, and after i pay my very large phone bill i will buy people's christmas presents and myself something/s nice. i visited my aunty yesterday and i was wearing chunky pink earrings and she said "so you like that kind of jewellery?" and i say yes and she says "well come this way" and proceeded to give me a box filled with the most amazing and funky and awesome rings, necklaces and earrings in all these colours, all originals from the 70's. i wore this huge chunky ring she got from las vegas today , which was clear but had 3 dimensional bands in it of red, white, blue and yellow. every second customer i talked to at work commented on just how terrificly nice it was. i am forever in debt to my aunty. she is so cool.

four days until the big day.
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nonsense [09 Dec 2003|12:46am]
i want to go on a plane. preferably to nowhere. somewhere where i could concentrate on something other than myself for once; something beautiful? somewhere where not EVERYTHING HAS TO MAKE SENSE. beautiful is colours and contrasts, pale yellows and grays. irridescent blacks struck with lightning. a sun that stays in the same place. i always manage to get in the way of a picture. of you, of him, of that view that is always just over the horizon and calling me with an irresistable drone. they were probably right when they said the earth was flat. to fall would be to fly. would just one look tarnish it for the next who dares to see? if i could be suspended between here and there i'd love to promise my life, but i hold in my hands what i hold in my heart. a stale and dormant energy; something i cannot hear and cannot name. despite what i say, there is still a dream. just a wayward calamity perched at the edge of a porcelain dream. but still, it is all nothing. just words. and a flittering of nervous energy between ones ears, shaped and moulded by the peaches and pastels, splintered by turquoise and blacks. everything that exists is a colour. nothing more, nothing less. nothing makes sense and that is the BEAUTY OF IT.
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[08 Dec 2003|12:16am]
Answer the following questions only using lyrics from ONE band.

Are you Male or Female?
She takes no other
Falls light and ashes
Blooming like winter

Describe Yourself
at the start there was innocence
breaks my heart doesn't make no sense
just start again thats the recompense
just learning to fly

Contained in my cotton crib
Where I feel no turbulence
The ocean sleeps upon a shelf and it feeds my apathy
But I can feel it in the night
Like rain upon my skin inside a winter
Would you begin to splinter
If I decide to recognize my thorns

Describe Someone of the opposite sex
You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat
But it melts in the sun like a life without love
And I've waited for you so i'll keep crying out

How do they feel about you?
Come again
Leave again
Waste of time
Come again

How do you feel about yourself?
Munificent, artless and ascetic
Playing like a scared
Enthusiastic pawn

What would you rather be doing?
Waving my luck under your nose
Like I found a four leaf clover :)

Describe where you live
Won't you come with me, to a place in a little town?
The only way to get there's to go straight down.
There's no bathroom, and there is no sink
the water out of the tap is very, hard to drink,
Very hard to drink.

Describe how you love
I'll wrap my heart around you
I'll wrap my arms around you

Blind the deafened moon, stimulate the tombs of angels
I'll open my heart won't fall apart
Don't fall apart
You're my favourite thing ..

Share a few words of wisdom
All the bridges in the world
Won't save you
If there is no other side
To cross to

Mistakes don't mean a thing
If you don't regret them

Say goodbye
Lived too long and waited to find a place where I can die
Lost my soul lost my confidence in me
Give me something but I'll try...

Quiz taken from my darlings Myriam and Kara

i havent listened to silverchair for months. if anybody reading this hasn't heard the song 'asylum' you have to because, i bet my life on it, it will make you feel. what, i dont know, but when i listen to it it's like im at both ends of the spectrum, both extremely happy and extremely sad. but maybe thats just me being over sensitized and with emotions always up in the air.

luke called me tonight but i was at work and so i didnt answer. i kind of just stared at his number for a while. i dont think i could have spoken to him because i wouldn't know what to say. i cant tell him that i think i might be ________ because he would probably assume i was saying it for attention/sympathy, which i would never do in a million years. i wouldnt say anything until i knew for sure anyway, i didnt feel like having my heart broken in half by hearing his thousand-mile-away voice. too painful and i already have the flu. im so stupid because all this happened to me last year, i should have known. it must be prank call day today because two other people have called me and hung up just before i got to the phone. oh well.
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[07 Dec 2003|01:24am]
before i die, i want to marry colin farrell
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[05 Dec 2003|02:02pm]
a bad night is sitting in the dark eating cold noodles and watching old episodes of ab fab. i had a bad night last night, made a little bit worse by the fact that i have a cold and my joints are aching so badly i couldnt even pick up the fork to eat my cold noodles with. i then had the biggest urge to put on the mariah carey christmas album which i havent heard since we used to go to the beach for christmas so many years ago i cant even remember. that shit makes me feel good for some reason, all chritsmassy stuff does. i feel like crap now, better than i did last night and the night before but i still cant breathe and under my arms hurts, so i cant lift things. i got a new job the other day. im so happy about it. i wont say where but i will say i work in the men's section. so many women shop there. across the other mens section works the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. the most beautiful thing i think ive seen in a long time. he looked at me, i looked away because i didnt want him to think i was fantasizing. although i really was. i think i even hung a tshirt in the boardshorts section by accident when he was looking. i hate being nervous like that, but i always am, and i probably will never say two words to this guy because of it. im so angry. last night before i went to sleep i had nightmares. before i even went to sleep. about luke and what happened and how i might be... i dont even want to say it. if i am, my life is ruined.
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summer [02 Dec 2003|11:32pm]
everyone on earth wants something. in my opinion, you have two options; deny the fact that you want something, or live your life walking to the ends of the earth trying to find it. im in the middle somewhere, walking to the ends of the earth whilst trying to tell myself that what i want just doesnt exist. how many times have i told myself you aren't good slash smart slash pretty slash outgoing slash happy slash alive enough for anybody to see past the surface. why cant i just be like every one else i have ever met and say what i mean. why is it i can never tell anyone what i feel. i feel i must be one of few people on earth who cant laugh in public because, well, i dont know. hell, i can hardly even talk. why? i dont think i could ever describe the feeling of that endless fight inside myself in which im sure little people with invisible guns are having a shootout over the decisions that are floating around in my head. to say or not to say. to act or not to act. to breathe or not to breathe. countless times people say 'if only i said that comeback 5 minutes earlier'. you know that frustration of not being able to communicate. well, it kills me, and i think it always will. im silent. when i say something i wish i hadnt said it. last week i let litres and litres of vodka do the talking. it didnt talk much, it just made me fall over and do things i wish i could say i regret, but that i really dont. ie luke. never ever go to schoolies (week long party with fifty to sixty thousand teenagers partying after finishing high school) without being prepared first. i mean food, washing power and alcohol. for me, i ran out of alcohol in the first few days and had to practically sell myself to get someone of age to buy more. they did, i drank it like water and practically had to sell myself for more. recurring pattern, yes. i got really drunk but still fought with myself constantly, and realised how socially inept i really am. i have a disorder and i will need to do something soon to get rid of it. every waking hour im questioning myself, i annoy the crap out of myself and a lot of other people i'm sure, who say that they can never work me out. i cant work me out. mood right now is tired, annoyed, sick. i smoked tonight and my hands smell of tobacco and i cant go to bed until the smell goes away, or else i cant sleep properly. i dont know why.
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a day in the life of goodbye [21 Nov 2003|02:59pm]
you're looking rather aloof today as you stroll through the desolate train station stores, searching for something for someone. a flower, a rose, a stone? you settled on a white rose, for someone you may never see again. and you bought a lily, was that to cheer yourself up? even so, it ended up in another's arms that day. you were told to keep something for yourself for once, but you just didn't listen, and now there's nothing to grasp in your shaking hands as you enter that gate one last sorrowful, ecstatic, ironic time. tens, scores, hundreds of those who always seem to be that little bit more outgoing, happy, hopeful, cluster in small groups up ahead, writing in indelible black ink those memories too amazing for others to grasp, to precious for them to lose. and those photos; black and white, 18bit colour and sepia scream from centre and corners of those pages, with blank spaces left for accompanying anecdotes, evidence that something, somewhere existed. but you? you just watched on silently, and with a watered down smile, cried incessently inside as this page passed by you with a nonchalance that broke your heart. eight oclock came and with long and confident strides that gave away your sorrow took up those flights of stairs one last time. behind you was someone you once knew. the horror, the embarrassment of being applauded as you enter a room hits you with full force. why? its just a thousand more eyes to avoid, with noise to accompany it. please, be over you thought as they handed you two carnations. we never really liked you, they thought as they smiled and sat in their cemented places. like towers. nine oclock and thousands, maybe more applauded as you walked, alone, through that hall which seemed like a thousand halls and a land of mirrors. please stop, i just want to sneak, you pleaded. why is it that you're burned with eyes when you want to be forgotten. why is it that you are forgotten when there's something that wants to be seen? the seat feels safe, and you sit. what seems like hours slinks by, and then erupts two hundred girls whose voices and hands act as though there is no end to the horizon. there is only today, and their pasts and their memories with which they build their futures. screams and cheers, a thousand more. you've given that white rose, you gave up that lily. and you dropped the carnation in the hall, as they sang the anthem for the last time and you filed out of that hall, feeling that you have nothing, you want nothing, and there is nothing. goodbye the class of 2003.
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my best friend made a good call to take me from the fishbowl [18 Nov 2003|04:26pm]
last night before going to bed i started to read a book called Tales of the Paranormal. I had nightmares which were probably the worst ones i've had since I was a kid. Stuck in crop circles made by UFOs and seeing a ghost standing at the end of my bed. I think it was a bad mistake to read a scary book before bedtime. We had free dress for school today. I threw on my (dirty) fred's tavern tshirt and regretted it today at school because i looked like i hadn't washed for a few weeks. The good news is that I topped my class in study of society. Another girl also topped so I am equal first which is okay by me, although I dont think the other girl was happy. So tonight we have our Valedictory Dinner / Graduation and I have to go up and accept an award. Maybe a book voucher, which is what I really want so that when I'm on planes and sleeping in airports in January I will at least have something to rest my head on. I might even read them.
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[09 Nov 2003|10:12pm]
the thought of being new is so weird. im never the new person, i havent been new to anything for so long. its weird and i dont think i like it. wonder if a lot of other people think the same thing right n now? i cant wait till im not new anymore. also, if anyone knows me or think they might know me, you can comment, i encourage it. i have the feeling i know some people around here.
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